My whole life, I’ve never understood how one person can change you completely. I’ve never understood how one person can complete you. I begin to understand now…
Those days, those nights with you… They’re magical. Maybe I don’t show it enough, or maybe I’m scared of what would happen if I do, but all those moments when I just hug you tight and never want to let you go, those are the moments I really realize how much you mean to me. I really do love you. Maybe even I haven’t fully realized it yet, but someday… I just want you to know how much I care and how much I want you to be here with me for as long as you can.
Could it be? Could I really love someone? Is it true? Cuz it sure feels that way lately. I feel like you belong right next to me. It’s funny, how I was never the person to spend that much time with a guy, but right now, you’re kinda all I want to see…
Funny, this whole loving thing.
By a-girl-with-a-heart on Saturday, May 19th, 2012
Lately, I’m watching on every word that leaves my mouth, trying so hard not to hurt anybody with what I say. It’s exhausting.
Searching for the right words for the right time, when all I wanna do is say what I feel. But what’s the point of it, when the people around you don’t understand you? What’s the point of doing that, when all you do is make people angry with you. Words can hurt, I know that. There were people who have hurt me so much with what they said, and in the past, the logical move for me was leave or hurt them back. But now? For the past month, every time someone says something that hurts me, I swallow it. I ignore the hurtful tone and just let it go, like it’s supposed to be a joke. Does it still hurts? Even more.
It’s exhausting, talking out loud, with people jumping on every word. I feel like I speak totally different language, because people are generally misunderstanding me lately.
I’m at the point, where I could give up. But I won’t. I don’t want to. I’m just so angry. I’m trying to make everyone happy, by putting myself down. By saying, I’m sorry, every time I think I did just a slightest mistake, by saying, no you’re right, I’m wrong, eventhough I know I’m right. Putting others problems above mine…
And I really am sorry for not functioning the way everyone wants me to. I really am. But despite the efforts, I can’t change who I am. I say what I mean, I can’t really lie for a long time and I’m crap at dealing with others emotions. That’s who I am. And I’m sorry if that means I hurt you now and then. It’s not intentional. And i understand I’ll be hurt now and then too, because others are humans too, just like me, making mistakes. But there’s a point, where we have to let go of all the hurt, in order to move forward, to make it work.
By a-girl-with-a-heart on Wednesday, May 16th, 2012
This is the billionth time probably, that I’ve already said how I wont cry anymore over him, over the fact that I have screwed up parents. I’m telling myself this for over 10 years now and it still doesn’t work… It still hurts. Like hell.
By a-girl-with-a-heart on Wednesday, May 16th, 2012
When somebody you care about so much is in a bad mood you instantly become grumpy too, it happens so often. You want to cheer him up, but he just doesn’t want to be cheered up. That’s the moment when I give up and become miserable myself. But it shouldn’t be that way. Why is it that other peoples emotions and moods have to influence you? Especially the bad ones? Why do you have to sink low yourself, if somebody else is not feeling happy? So I’m deciding not to do that anymore. I’m sorry, I tried. I tried to make you feel better, but if you don’t want to be in a good mood it’s not my problem. I love you and I know you have problems right now, but there are other, better ways to deal with them beside being miserable. Maybe I sound selfish, but I’m not sacrificing my good mood just because you chose to be grumpy. I won’t do that again. I’ll gladly help you back to smiling if you want, but there’s a line.
You’re always saying how you love me for being me, but apparently there are a lot of things I say and do lately, that you don’t like. So being myself obviously isn’t right.
Don’t ask me why and how I got to this, I just know. We’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna make it. I just feel it. There will still be those dark moments, but there will also be a lot of sun and happiness. Cuz we will make this work. And it will all be okay.
What’s this? What’s the point? Where’s that guy I fell for? Why do you hide him? We used to have so much fun together, laughing, cracking jokes, doing fun stuff. Right now? I feel like we’re just jumping on each other, waiting for all the wrong words to be said, to start fighting. It’s frustrating.
I came back, because I missed you, I missed that guy I can tell him anything and won’t judge me. I’m sorry if I don’t react however you want me to. I don’t know how, really. I’ve never done this. Joking around about sexual stuff. It’s totally new thing for me. And being snappy about my wrong response, just makes me even more scared and confused what to say back. I’m sorry, I wasn’t born and raised with that, like apparently most of other were. I didn’t have friends, boys or parents to talk about this. It will come to me, eventually, just give me time to adjust, please.
What I feel right now? Disappointment. 15 years of knowing each other and she can’t even text me back with simple thanks or something when I sent her birthday wishes?
Can somebody explained to me the whole best friends concept once again, cuz apparently I missed that lesson, about being totally okay to ignore texts or calls, or never having any time for each other.
I get the that she has a boyfriend and no time for friends anymore, though it’s sad, I never got that kind of people who forget about friends the moment they enter the relationship, but I’m sick of always being the last choice for her. I exist too, you know. What’s enough it’s enough. I’m done. have a nice life and don’t call me when you broke up or have any other problem. You wanna taste of your own medicine? You got it.
And I thought for so many time, I was being clingy, when in reality, you really don’t care, obviously. Whatever.
If that’s the definition of best friend, I don’t wanna have it.
